Tuesday, October 13, 2015

d r e a m s

Lorrin and I are reading a book right now that is highly impacting our lives.  It's about childhood trauma and its effect on your health as an adult.  I don't want to talk about the book too much just yet, but I do want to share some dreams I've had the past couple of nights.  I've had prophetic dreams for a long time - they come and go from season to season.  This book has birthed these dreams in me and here they are:

My sister and I had a baby together - not in a weird way obviously.  It was tiny and undernourished.  It was born early.  My sister had it most of the time so I kept forgetting about it. She seemed to have more responsibility of it.  I kept forgetting to feed it, but when I would remember, it was really important to me.  I kept talking about needing to breastfeed it but wouldn't ever get around to doing it.  I would tell my mom I needed to feed it. It was a stressful type dream.  We were then in a grocery store and the baby was a little older and kept running around and being super annoying and disruptive.  Lorrin said she had tried everything to stop it but couldn't.  I ran to it and grabbed it in my arms real tight so it couldn't move and I looked it in the eyes and said "Why are you behaving this way? This is not the way to act. Etc." I was firm with it but sweet at the same time.  I spoke to it as if it was an older child. I spoke to it like it was very mature.  And it responded immediately.  It calmed down and behaved.

It is rare that I have interpretations for my dreams.  Sometimes I wake up and know they're prophetic, sometimes I just think it was a weird dream.  Fortunately for me, my husband typically has an interpretation for them.  It's a beautiful marriage between us.

He said that maybe it was something new that was birthed in Lorrin and me.  By reading this book, something has surfaced that we're not sure how to take care of.  We don't know how to nurture it so it grows and matures. We tend to forget about it in hopes to not have to deal with it - but it's there and it's real.  We know it needs nurture but we still haven't figured out how to be its mother. I have dealt with the trauma of my past quite a bit over the years.  I have come an extremely long way, but still have more to go.  My sister has suppressed it for longer, therefore she has more responsibility to learn how to heal - to learn how to take care of herself and make her future what it should have been all along.

I had a dream the next night that a rat had been inside the wall beside my side of the bed.  It had completely ruined the sheetrock by my window and even chewed through some of my blinds and broke some.  We just hung them two days ago so they are brand new.  The rat had made the wall so ugly.  It looked like a disease or something. Christopher said in the dream that it had obviously been making a nest with pine straw and the pine straw is what made all the bumps and bubbles in the wall.  It was so appalling to me. It covered the whole left side of the window.  Then I said that it must be the same thing that happened near the light switch on the other side of the room.  My mom was there and I was talking about how we need to fumigate to get the rat out so it wouldn't do any more damage.  My mom kept saying that we didn't need to do that because it costs too much money.

We just bought our house about a month and half ago.  It's our first home so it's special to me.  Christopher had an interpretation for this dream as well.  He said it represented me.  I've recently entered this idea of a new life for myself because of this book I'm reading.  My life is important to me but there is something that is eating me from the inside and it's ugly and I want it gone.  I've worked really hard to be rid of it completely but I have a little more to go. I am held back by the fear that has been instilled in me of what could be. Even though I know only good can come of it being gone, I still hold on to it. The fear of it "costing too much money" to get rid of drives me to let it stay and manifest and build its home inside of my walls. I have to get rid of it.  I have to shut out the voices and listen to my own heart and be obedient.

I desperately want to let go of my past. I'm so thankful for all the resources we have at our fingertips these days.

Friday, October 9, 2015

b e c o m i n g . e r i n

For the first time in my life, people are starting to remember me and call me by name. Something has changed in my life this past year.  I don't know what it is, but it's significant.

Literally my whole life, I have been forgettable and somewhat invisible.  I have introduced myself to the same people multiple times for as long as I can remember.  It was never just an every now and then kind of thing - it would literally happen every single time I would run into someone that I had met a few times but didn't see on a regular basis.  It wouldn't matter that I was with the person who introduced me to them the first and second time.  I would always get "Hi, I'm so and so, it's nice to meet you" or "I don't believe we've met before". Old people, young people, my age people, everyone. I became used to it, so I would just play along like it was the first time for me too. I assumed I just didn't have a memorable face and accepted it. 
But my favorite were the people who would act like I was completely invisible - that was just as common in my life as the people who wouldn't remember me.  My friend's friends would just act like my friend was the only person there, like I literally was not a human or even an object.  I would get no eye contact, no acknowledgment, nothing.

Until about a year ago. Suddenly people here and there would start to remember me and actually see me. I don't know what shifted, but it was evident. More and more, it would happen; and now, people rarely introduce themselves twice or decide that I don't exist. I feel it has something to do with finally allowing myself to be myself. Since we got married, I've become more and more who I was designed to be. I definitely feel like I still have a long way to go, but it is a noticeable difference to me that I feel more free and less shy. I mean, people nowadays actually call me out that they know me from somewhere or they call me by name when I've only told them once.  People yell my name to say hey from across a room. It's seriously bizarre to me! I honestly don't know how to handle it.  For so long I've learned a certain way, and now I'm having to change.  It's really nice to be acknowledged. It makes me feel like I matter.

I thanked my barista today at Brown Roof for calling me out by name to ask me if the music was too loud.  I told him it meant a lot to me.  He looked at me funny, but I'm sure it meant a lot to him.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

g u t s

2015 has been one of the worst years of my life, but I have a big smile on my face.  I don't want to harp on what has made this year terrible. Life is so fun right now, no matter the misfortune we've had.  I turned twenty-five about a month ago and twenty-five has been good to me.  It's so much fun to be married and own a house and have a dog.  Hanging out with Christopher everyday is the best.  This time in our life is so valuable to me.  IT'S SO FUN!! I'm having a hard time putting it any other way.  

I've come more alive since I turned 25.  Mostly due to my adrenals being replenished for the first time since I was probably twelve years old.  I got checked by an Applied Kinesiologist in Chris's class which led to discovering that my adrenals had been depleted for a super long time.  He recommended I take desiccated bovine adrenals and I'm so thankful! I only took about a month's supply in August/September and it has changed my life. I finally have energy.  I finally can wake up totally refreshed at 5:00am instead of groggy at 9:00am.  I get off work and have the energy to walk the dog or cook or clean. It's amazing!  I also got tested with the raw milk I used to drink religiously.  Turned out it was weakening me because of the lactose.  So I started fermenting it and making kefir.  Now THAT has changed my life. I feel a million times better since I started drinking it.  And it really fills me up; I don't get as hungry as often.  I feel like it's exactly what my body has been needing for years - that it has all the nutrients my body was lacking. It's super-strength for your gut which I'm learning is extremely important.  I think my gut has been unhealthy for a while and I want to heal it.

I've been learning about gut health here and there for the past three years.  Slowly I gather more and more information about it. I've learned that you won't implement anything truly until the perfect piece of information crosses your path at the perfect time. Did you know that your gut health directly related to your brain health?  Your gut is known as the "second brain"! That's how important it is!  And Americans destroy their guts; they overload on sugar and wheat and dairy.  They don't incorporate fermentation regularly.  It's awful how far we've come away from traditional diets that are proven to be so much better for us.  We're the sickest nation in the world, but we won't change our diets.  Anyway, gut health is amazing and I'm an advocate!

So through one awful year, I am trying to find the good in it despite the bad. The Lord is lovely the way he encourages and allows us to do that. I'm starting to focus on my well-being more.  I'm going to start meditating, doing yoga again, reading in the Bible more, eating well, and exercising. It's hard to blog in the hard times.  I want to get better at it, but I'm not there yet.

Friday, August 28, 2015

c h i r o c l i n i c

It's incredible how much work goes into starting a business.  I am currently reading a marketing manual, hints this post.  It can be quite overwhelming to consider the numerous aspects of a business plan.  It's one thing to have a big idea, it's a whole different horse to lay it out on paper.  This coffee shop, the one that inspired my last post in which I am visiting again today, has been the source of much encouragement and creativity since I stepped in the door.  I thank my friend Patrick for making us come here.  Patrick spoke lots of wisdom to us about business.  I want to begin putting our ideas on paper, but it's just so hard to start.  It is the time though.  Christopher graduates in June of 2016.  We will probably open our practice in 2017 or 2018.  That is soon!

Any suggestions for where to start?

Also, we bought a house this morning!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

i n s p i r a t i o n s from methodical coffee

I've been told that until you hit thirty, life is ever-changing.  Each year is dramatically different for me.  I value it.  I'm hesitant for the next five years to pass.  The hard times, many that they are, mold me into such a beautiful person of the Father's heart.  It need not be said that I have quirks like the rest of humanity, but let it be said that the good attributes are good.  As I age, I understand that to love people, it's pertinent to focus on the lovely parts.  It's how I wish to be loved and it's how I prefer to love.  The way of love is that which accepts the bad with the good and encourages the good over the bad.  I am constantly working on bettering myself, but I am highly aware that there are attributes of my personality that are offensive to other personalities.  It is important to be aware and willing to change these.  It is important as human beings to be ever-changing, not accepting of the way you are.  The older I get, the more aware of my interactions I desire to be.

I love the Father's heart, so deeply.  It's lovely that I get to have one just like his.

Friday, February 27, 2015

R e v W i l b u r B W e b b

I've been thumbing through my grandfather's books the past couple of days.  He was a pastor and seemingly an historian [based on the books he annotated the daylights out of].  Anyway, he is the person I have looked up to most in my life, and also had to keep a close reign on the magnitude of my idolization for him.

I read a few excerpts in The Touch of the Master's Hand by Charles Allen today.  Several things spoke to me, but I wanted to share the first thing I read in it.  I'd never heard this before but saw such beauty in it.

This is discussing the miracle of the woman who touched the hem of Jesus's garment, Mark 5:25-34:

The Touch that Heals
"'Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole.' said Jesus.  That is the only time Jesus ever used the term 'daughter' in addressing another person.  As you read the New Testament, you are impressed with the tenderness He expressed so often toward those in need.  He was always kind and gentle toward those who sought His help.  But toward one person He seemed to feel a loving sympathy that He never felt toward any other. 'Daughter,' He said, just that one time."

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

2 4 F e b 1 5

It's snowing outside and the trees are full of white.  The sparrow at the base of the tree in the front yard is throwing leaves and twigs behind it - in hopes of what? Do they build, or just organize? 

It's minimal, in many eyes, this white dust that's covering the ground.  But to a woman raised in central Mississippi, it's highly unfamiliar.  The weim agrees. 

This time, my favorite is the lightly covered tree limbs of the evergreens.  You'll only see this in snow.  No other season holds that place.

The man of this house, the one with the sparrow in the front yard, is away today.  Learning to be a doctor in the sickest country of the world.  His spirit is here, always.  I adore him.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

/ / a n s l e y / /

One day this past week, I was hanging out with my boss's four year old at work.  She was sitting right beside me watching Strawberry Shortcake while I attempted to get some things done.  After a long night, and many snacks [on her end], she was feeling pretty tired.  She had her head propped on her arms on the desk watching the show.  After a really abrupt [somewhat of an] outburst happened from a patient, she looked over at me and said in the sweetest voice, "I love you Erin".  I wish I had it recorded it was that sweet.  But the sweetest part of it was that I didn't feel like it was from her when it happened.  I couldn't explain it until I processed it later, but I feel like it was from the Lord.  She isn't a very sentimental child and hasn't ever said anything remotely close to that to me.
The Father has been so sweet to me lately, and I love it.
And the innocence of children is one of my weaknesses in life.

Friday, February 20, 2015

/ / p h o t o s / /

I went through a ton of old photos this morning.  I was separating them into folders so I can eventually make photo books with them.  It was quite entertaining to see the ones from when we were dating.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

u n t i t l e d

I've been thinking on this post for a while and still have no words to do it justice; but I've wanted to write it because this blog is my little space in the world that I like to nurture, and I believe being open allows for healthy grief to have its place.  Just a warning, this may be too much information for some people.

Three weeks ago Saturday we went for a short hike by our house.  After the hike I notice I was spotting; my heart sank.  I was seven weeks pregnant.  We did some research and found out that it could be normal if it stayed brown, so I kept a close eye on it.  After about a week, it got worse and turned red.  It was my worst nightmare.

I attempted to prepare myself for losing a child; the grief became so heavy - but it's a different kind of grief than anything I've ever known.  It's not that I felt responsible because I didn't, it's the sole fact of how truly sad it is that the child lost its life.  I did all I could to prepare for this child.  Since May of 2014 I ate a strict tradition tribal diet with all soaked grains and nuts, fermented foods, raw dairy, full fat foods.  I exercised almost religiously.  I prayed and prepared my heart and mind.  These things are all great and I'm so thankful I have them under my belt; but this miscarriage, I feel, was inevitable.  I was told by many people that the first time many women get pregnant, there's a chromosomal abnormality that happens in the child.  The body sees that it would be too severe to go through with having the baby so it gets rid of it.  Although I don't know for sure, I am assuming this is the case with ours.  Our midwife told us that miscarriages have always been very common, but it hasn't been proven until recently because we are able to find out we're pregnant so early with tests.  Women used to just think they had skipped a period then had a heavy one the next month.  (Although I would think something was seriously wrong if I had a period that acted like that miscarriage.)

We decided we wanted to do everything naturally, so inevitably, that means a natural miscarriage.  There's no way to be prepared for this, but I tried to at least prepare my mind for what would happen.  So last Wednesday, I was at work and I started to get very bad cramps, which I know now to be contractions.  I tried to hold out and stay at work, but the pain was too severe and I was afraid that if I waited then I wouldn't be able to drive home.  So I left (on my forty minute drive, mind you).  I believe the Lord drove me home because there is no way I could have made it alone.  The whole way, my legs were locked up, my arms were going numb, and I was lightheaded.  I got home, almost fell to the ground when I stood, ran in, and had the miscarriage immediately.  I was so thankful I was home and not at work.  Although the miscarriage came easy, the contractions lasted about ten hours.  It was the worst pain I have ever experienced; I became highly aware that the feeling I was feeling was the curse of mankind.  Chris came home immediately and was an angel through the whole thing.  He has done so much for me this past week, I feel like I could never thank him enough.  He is so strong.  The contractions lasted until about 2am then I finally got some rest.  I only work part time now, so every minute is crucial to be at work for me.  I got up the next morning and decided I could do it - slowly, but I could.  So I went to my hair appointment then to work.  I had cramping for two days after the contractions stopped.  The past three days, I have had an immense amount of soreness in my organs.  I'm trying to rest as much as I can.

The worst (and best I suppose) part of it all was seeing the child.  I'm glad I did because I believe it brings proper grief, but it does ensure a flood of emotion that comes and goes without warning.  I have the least to say about this part of the process; I guess I'm still speechless from it.  We wanted to honor it, so we thought long and hard about how we wanted to do that.  This past Sunday, we took it out to some woods near our house and we buried it by the river.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was a sweet moment too.

When we were walking away, Chris and I hugged, and my mind became flooded with all the memories we have shared over the past seven years or so.  I was brought back to high school and how attractive I thought he was, I went back to when we became best friends, then dating, then marriage, and now this.  I'm so thankful for all we have been through together and all that is in our future.  Marriage is such a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.

Like I said, I believe this post is important for me if not for anyone else.  I know it's personal and somewhat detailed, but I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad this process is coming to a close physically.  The Lord is so good.  He is my husband, my best friend, lovely.  I'm so thankful our child is with him instead of us.

Today is Alexander's birthday :)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

W i l d w o o d

Today I spent about an hour in Barnes and Noble consistently reading titles and back covers in search of my next read.  I wanted one of three options: novel based in Mississippi (not dramatic, romantic, or depressing), homemaker, or series.  For just about that whole hour, all I saw were drama-filled, sin-induced, death/divorce, or self-help how-to books.  None of which I wanted.  I was determined to leave with a book though, and the Lord knew.  We entered the children's section, where many a great book has come from in our home.  It didn't take long before I noticed this lone beauty wedged between a hundred other books.

I decided pretty quickly that this was the book I was going to take home with me.  After the decision had been made, I then realized it was not only one of a series of two books, but most importantly, I realized it was written by the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands in which I used to adore and now just love that I used to love them - does that make sense? The Decemberists.  Like I said, the Lord knew.  He knew what I needed and he provided above and beyond.  I'm about to start reading it.

Another note: I did finish Plain and Simple today.  It was a great book.  It wasn't what I was expecting, but it was definitely a pleasant read that I truly enjoyed.  It made me realize I am more like the Amish than I would have ever expected, and reminded me I am very much disconnected from this world (which I usually only realize when I go shopping).  Also, I wish I quilted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

l o v e > w o r r y

The Lord makes me speechless sometimes.  He is so beautiful.

I've been pretty down lately and couldn't seem to find a way out, until I took a bath this afternoon.  I was writing in my prayer journal and just letting it all loose on the Lord.  In the middle of my ranting, He told me to read today's proverb.  I have been reading them all month, which is something I don't typically do.  Today he very clearly asked me to read it.  So I did, immediately.  It was the most perfect scripture for what I'm going through.  He is so beautiful.  I love the way His word has life - two years ago I could have read that and it meant something completely different than it meant today.  It has life.  And for that I am thankful.

P r o v e r b s  1 3 :

A wise son hears his father's instruction,
but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
From the fruit of his mouth a man eats what is good,
but the desire of the treacherous is for violence.
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life;
he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing,
while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.
The righteous hates falsehood,
but the wicked brings shame and disgrace.
Righteousness guards him whose way is blameless,
but sin overthrows the wicked.
One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing;
another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.
The ransom of a man's life is his wealth,
but a poor man hears no threat.
The light of the righteous rejoices,
but the lamp of the wicked will be put out.
By insolence comes nothing but strife,
but with those who take advice is wisdom.
Wealth gained hastily will dwindle,
but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself,
but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded.
The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life,
that one may turn away from the snares of death.
Good sense wins favor,
but the way of the treacherous is their ruin.
In everything the prudent acts with knowledge,
but a fool flaunts his folly.
A wicked messenger falls into trouble,
but a faithful envoy brings healing.
Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction,
but whoever heeds reproof is honored.
A desire fulfilled is sweet to the soul,
but to turn away from evil is an abomination to fools.
Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,
but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
Disaster pursues sinners,
but the righteous are rewarded with good.
A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children,
but the sinner's wealth is laid up for the righteous.
The fallow ground of the poor would yield much food,
but it is swept away through injustice.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
The righteous has enough to satisfy his appetite,
but the belly of the wicked suffers want.

 I have no reason to worry about a thing.  My desire is to love and obey my Father, and He will take care of every single thing in my life.  Worry will get me nowhere, but love brings life.

He is so good.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

a d i o

I started writing our business plan tonight.

It's about two years until we move back and open our practice.  That means I have two years to figure out every single detail of our business - what our layout will be, to how much money we need, to what pens we're going to use.  The business plan I wrote in college as an assignment was 40 pages long.  Intimidating? I think so. But doable for sure. I must be diligent; I must be focused.  We don't even have a name yet, but we do have our logo and we know where we want to locate. It's going to be a long process, but the reward is going to be breathtaking - I'm sure of it.

We've thought about naming it ADIO Upper Cervical.  I know you don't know how to pronounce it (and that is obviously a huge issue), but the meaning is ideal.  I want to know what you think, honestly.


It's a chiropractic logo that means health comes from above, down (the Lord to us), then from the inside, out (meaning our bodies are created to heal on their own from within).

We want to locate in Highland Village in Jackson. Does anyone have any ideas for a name??
Please? ;)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

C h r i s t o p h e r

I was an emotional wreck this morning.  I'm so thankful for my husband.  He is so patient and kind and loving - constantly.  He is relentless in how sweet he is.  I'm so thankful to the Lord for him every day.

{insert lots of love hearts}

Sunday, January 4, 2015

s i m p l i c i t y

It's been tapping on my shoulder since my last post.

Before I wrote that my word for  2 0 1 5  was  d i l i g e n c e,  I typed the word  s i m p l i c i t y  in its place.  I erased it feeling as if it was my own will.  I am more confident now that it is my word for  2 0 1 5.

s i m p l i c i t y  :)

I ordered a book called Plain and Simple by Sue Bender a couple days ago.  My friend over at Hello Dearie posted about it.  I've been waiting for the right book to cross my path and I feel sure this one is it.  I'm excited for it to come in.

Friday, January 2, 2015

// 2 0 1 5 //

Last year was a wonderful year.  My blog may have been neglected most of it, but plenty happened that was worthy of documentation. 

Two of my best friends got married.
I saw the mountains in full color over autumn.
My sister visited for a month.
I switched to an astronomically better job.
I went to the beach for a week for our two year anniversary.
I got a 'new' car.
Went on lots of hikes.
My best friend came to visit.
We found our dream office space.
I made some new friends.

And even though the first six months were some of the worst of my life, I gained experience and maturity on levels I did not know existed.  So even though I would never wish those six months on my worst enemy, I value them greatly, and am thankful that the Lord can and will make clean what seems an irreversible mess.

2 0 1 5  will be a year to remember - I am confident in that.  It will be a busy year, but full of joy and new adventures.  And hopefully frequent blogs.

My word for  2 0 1 4  was  d i s c i p l i n e.
My word for  2 0 1 5  is  d i l i g e n c e.