Friday, February 27, 2015

R e v W i l b u r B W e b b

I've been thumbing through my grandfather's books the past couple of days.  He was a pastor and seemingly an historian [based on the books he annotated the daylights out of].  Anyway, he is the person I have looked up to most in my life, and also had to keep a close reign on the magnitude of my idolization for him.

I read a few excerpts in The Touch of the Master's Hand by Charles Allen today.  Several things spoke to me, but I wanted to share the first thing I read in it.  I'd never heard this before but saw such beauty in it.

This is discussing the miracle of the woman who touched the hem of Jesus's garment, Mark 5:25-34:

The Touch that Heals
"'Daughter, they faith hath made thee whole.' said Jesus.  That is the only time Jesus ever used the term 'daughter' in addressing another person.  As you read the New Testament, you are impressed with the tenderness He expressed so often toward those in need.  He was always kind and gentle toward those who sought His help.  But toward one person He seemed to feel a loving sympathy that He never felt toward any other. 'Daughter,' He said, just that one time."

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

2 4 F e b 1 5

It's snowing outside and the trees are full of white.  The sparrow at the base of the tree in the front yard is throwing leaves and twigs behind it - in hopes of what? Do they build, or just organize? 

It's minimal, in many eyes, this white dust that's covering the ground.  But to a woman raised in central Mississippi, it's highly unfamiliar.  The weim agrees. 

This time, my favorite is the lightly covered tree limbs of the evergreens.  You'll only see this in snow.  No other season holds that place.

The man of this house, the one with the sparrow in the front yard, is away today.  Learning to be a doctor in the sickest country of the world.  His spirit is here, always.  I adore him.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

/ / a n s l e y / /

One day this past week, I was hanging out with my boss's four year old at work.  She was sitting right beside me watching Strawberry Shortcake while I attempted to get some things done.  After a long night, and many snacks [on her end], she was feeling pretty tired.  She had her head propped on her arms on the desk watching the show.  After a really abrupt [somewhat of an] outburst happened from a patient, she looked over at me and said in the sweetest voice, "I love you Erin".  I wish I had it recorded it was that sweet.  But the sweetest part of it was that I didn't feel like it was from her when it happened.  I couldn't explain it until I processed it later, but I feel like it was from the Lord.  She isn't a very sentimental child and hasn't ever said anything remotely close to that to me.
The Father has been so sweet to me lately, and I love it.
And the innocence of children is one of my weaknesses in life.

Friday, February 20, 2015

/ / p h o t o s / /

I went through a ton of old photos this morning.  I was separating them into folders so I can eventually make photo books with them.  It was quite entertaining to see the ones from when we were dating.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

u n t i t l e d

I've been thinking on this post for a while and still have no words to do it justice; but I've wanted to write it because this blog is my little space in the world that I like to nurture, and I believe being open allows for healthy grief to have its place.  Just a warning, this may be too much information for some people.

Three weeks ago Saturday we went for a short hike by our house.  After the hike I notice I was spotting; my heart sank.  I was seven weeks pregnant.  We did some research and found out that it could be normal if it stayed brown, so I kept a close eye on it.  After about a week, it got worse and turned red.  It was my worst nightmare.

I attempted to prepare myself for losing a child; the grief became so heavy - but it's a different kind of grief than anything I've ever known.  It's not that I felt responsible because I didn't, it's the sole fact of how truly sad it is that the child lost its life.  I did all I could to prepare for this child.  Since May of 2014 I ate a strict tradition tribal diet with all soaked grains and nuts, fermented foods, raw dairy, full fat foods.  I exercised almost religiously.  I prayed and prepared my heart and mind.  These things are all great and I'm so thankful I have them under my belt; but this miscarriage, I feel, was inevitable.  I was told by many people that the first time many women get pregnant, there's a chromosomal abnormality that happens in the child.  The body sees that it would be too severe to go through with having the baby so it gets rid of it.  Although I don't know for sure, I am assuming this is the case with ours.  Our midwife told us that miscarriages have always been very common, but it hasn't been proven until recently because we are able to find out we're pregnant so early with tests.  Women used to just think they had skipped a period then had a heavy one the next month.  (Although I would think something was seriously wrong if I had a period that acted like that miscarriage.)

We decided we wanted to do everything naturally, so inevitably, that means a natural miscarriage.  There's no way to be prepared for this, but I tried to at least prepare my mind for what would happen.  So last Wednesday, I was at work and I started to get very bad cramps, which I know now to be contractions.  I tried to hold out and stay at work, but the pain was too severe and I was afraid that if I waited then I wouldn't be able to drive home.  So I left (on my forty minute drive, mind you).  I believe the Lord drove me home because there is no way I could have made it alone.  The whole way, my legs were locked up, my arms were going numb, and I was lightheaded.  I got home, almost fell to the ground when I stood, ran in, and had the miscarriage immediately.  I was so thankful I was home and not at work.  Although the miscarriage came easy, the contractions lasted about ten hours.  It was the worst pain I have ever experienced; I became highly aware that the feeling I was feeling was the curse of mankind.  Chris came home immediately and was an angel through the whole thing.  He has done so much for me this past week, I feel like I could never thank him enough.  He is so strong.  The contractions lasted until about 2am then I finally got some rest.  I only work part time now, so every minute is crucial to be at work for me.  I got up the next morning and decided I could do it - slowly, but I could.  So I went to my hair appointment then to work.  I had cramping for two days after the contractions stopped.  The past three days, I have had an immense amount of soreness in my organs.  I'm trying to rest as much as I can.

The worst (and best I suppose) part of it all was seeing the child.  I'm glad I did because I believe it brings proper grief, but it does ensure a flood of emotion that comes and goes without warning.  I have the least to say about this part of the process; I guess I'm still speechless from it.  We wanted to honor it, so we thought long and hard about how we wanted to do that.  This past Sunday, we took it out to some woods near our house and we buried it by the river.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was a sweet moment too.

When we were walking away, Chris and I hugged, and my mind became flooded with all the memories we have shared over the past seven years or so.  I was brought back to high school and how attractive I thought he was, I went back to when we became best friends, then dating, then marriage, and now this.  I'm so thankful for all we have been through together and all that is in our future.  Marriage is such a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.

Like I said, I believe this post is important for me if not for anyone else.  I know it's personal and somewhat detailed, but I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad this process is coming to a close physically.  The Lord is so good.  He is my husband, my best friend, lovely.  I'm so thankful our child is with him instead of us.

Today is Alexander's birthday :)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

W i l d w o o d

Today I spent about an hour in Barnes and Noble consistently reading titles and back covers in search of my next read.  I wanted one of three options: novel based in Mississippi (not dramatic, romantic, or depressing), homemaker, or series.  For just about that whole hour, all I saw were drama-filled, sin-induced, death/divorce, or self-help how-to books.  None of which I wanted.  I was determined to leave with a book though, and the Lord knew.  We entered the children's section, where many a great book has come from in our home.  It didn't take long before I noticed this lone beauty wedged between a hundred other books.

I decided pretty quickly that this was the book I was going to take home with me.  After the decision had been made, I then realized it was not only one of a series of two books, but most importantly, I realized it was written by the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands in which I used to adore and now just love that I used to love them - does that make sense? The Decemberists.  Like I said, the Lord knew.  He knew what I needed and he provided above and beyond.  I'm about to start reading it.

Another note: I did finish Plain and Simple today.  It was a great book.  It wasn't what I was expecting, but it was definitely a pleasant read that I truly enjoyed.  It made me realize I am more like the Amish than I would have ever expected, and reminded me I am very much disconnected from this world (which I usually only realize when I go shopping).  Also, I wish I quilted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

l o v e > w o r r y

The Lord makes me speechless sometimes.  He is so beautiful.

I've been pretty down lately and couldn't seem to find a way out, until I took a bath this afternoon.  I was writing in my prayer journal and just letting it all loose on the Lord.  In the middle of my ranting, He told me to read today's proverb.  I have been reading them all month, which is something I don't typically do.  Today he very clearly asked me to read it.  So I did, immediately.  It was the most perfect scripture for what I'm going through.  He is so beautiful.  I love the way His word has life - two years ago I could have read that and it meant something completely different than it meant today.  It has life.  And for that I am thankful.

P r o v e r b s  1 3 :

A wise son hears his father's instruction,
but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
From the fruit of his mouth a man eats what is good,
but the desire of the treacherous is for violence.
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life;
he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing,
while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.
The righteous hates falsehood,
but the wicked brings shame and disgrace.
Righteousness guards him whose way is blameless,
but sin overthrows the wicked.
One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing;
another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.
The ransom of a man's life is his wealth,
but a poor man hears no threat.
The light of the righteous rejoices,
but the lamp of the wicked will be put out.
By insolence comes nothing but strife,
but with those who take advice is wisdom.
Wealth gained hastily will dwindle,
but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself,
but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded.
The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life,
that one may turn away from the snares of death.
Good sense wins favor,
but the way of the treacherous is their ruin.
In everything the prudent acts with knowledge,
but a fool flaunts his folly.
A wicked messenger falls into trouble,
but a faithful envoy brings healing.
Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction,
but whoever heeds reproof is honored.
A desire fulfilled is sweet to the soul,
but to turn away from evil is an abomination to fools.
Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,
but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
Disaster pursues sinners,
but the righteous are rewarded with good.
A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children,
but the sinner's wealth is laid up for the righteous.
The fallow ground of the poor would yield much food,
but it is swept away through injustice.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
The righteous has enough to satisfy his appetite,
but the belly of the wicked suffers want.

 I have no reason to worry about a thing.  My desire is to love and obey my Father, and He will take care of every single thing in my life.  Worry will get me nowhere, but love brings life.

He is so good.