Tuesday, October 13, 2015

d r e a m s

Lorrin and I are reading a book right now that is highly impacting our lives.  It's about childhood trauma and its effect on your health as an adult.  I don't want to talk about the book too much just yet, but I do want to share some dreams I've had the past couple of nights.  I've had prophetic dreams for a long time - they come and go from season to season.  This book has birthed these dreams in me and here they are:

My sister and I had a baby together - not in a weird way obviously.  It was tiny and undernourished.  It was born early.  My sister had it most of the time so I kept forgetting about it. She seemed to have more responsibility of it.  I kept forgetting to feed it, but when I would remember, it was really important to me.  I kept talking about needing to breastfeed it but wouldn't ever get around to doing it.  I would tell my mom I needed to feed it. It was a stressful type dream.  We were then in a grocery store and the baby was a little older and kept running around and being super annoying and disruptive.  Lorrin said she had tried everything to stop it but couldn't.  I ran to it and grabbed it in my arms real tight so it couldn't move and I looked it in the eyes and said "Why are you behaving this way? This is not the way to act. Etc." I was firm with it but sweet at the same time.  I spoke to it as if it was an older child. I spoke to it like it was very mature.  And it responded immediately.  It calmed down and behaved.

It is rare that I have interpretations for my dreams.  Sometimes I wake up and know they're prophetic, sometimes I just think it was a weird dream.  Fortunately for me, my husband typically has an interpretation for them.  It's a beautiful marriage between us.

He said that maybe it was something new that was birthed in Lorrin and me.  By reading this book, something has surfaced that we're not sure how to take care of.  We don't know how to nurture it so it grows and matures. We tend to forget about it in hopes to not have to deal with it - but it's there and it's real.  We know it needs nurture but we still haven't figured out how to be its mother. I have dealt with the trauma of my past quite a bit over the years.  I have come an extremely long way, but still have more to go.  My sister has suppressed it for longer, therefore she has more responsibility to learn how to heal - to learn how to take care of herself and make her future what it should have been all along.

I had a dream the next night that a rat had been inside the wall beside my side of the bed.  It had completely ruined the sheetrock by my window and even chewed through some of my blinds and broke some.  We just hung them two days ago so they are brand new.  The rat had made the wall so ugly.  It looked like a disease or something. Christopher said in the dream that it had obviously been making a nest with pine straw and the pine straw is what made all the bumps and bubbles in the wall.  It was so appalling to me. It covered the whole left side of the window.  Then I said that it must be the same thing that happened near the light switch on the other side of the room.  My mom was there and I was talking about how we need to fumigate to get the rat out so it wouldn't do any more damage.  My mom kept saying that we didn't need to do that because it costs too much money.

We just bought our house about a month and half ago.  It's our first home so it's special to me.  Christopher had an interpretation for this dream as well.  He said it represented me.  I've recently entered this idea of a new life for myself because of this book I'm reading.  My life is important to me but there is something that is eating me from the inside and it's ugly and I want it gone.  I've worked really hard to be rid of it completely but I have a little more to go. I am held back by the fear that has been instilled in me of what could be. Even though I know only good can come of it being gone, I still hold on to it. The fear of it "costing too much money" to get rid of drives me to let it stay and manifest and build its home inside of my walls. I have to get rid of it.  I have to shut out the voices and listen to my own heart and be obedient.

I desperately want to let go of my past. I'm so thankful for all the resources we have at our fingertips these days.

Friday, October 9, 2015

b e c o m i n g . e r i n

For the first time in my life, people are starting to remember me and call me by name. Something has changed in my life this past year.  I don't know what it is, but it's significant.

Literally my whole life, I have been forgettable and somewhat invisible.  I have introduced myself to the same people multiple times for as long as I can remember.  It was never just an every now and then kind of thing - it would literally happen every single time I would run into someone that I had met a few times but didn't see on a regular basis.  It wouldn't matter that I was with the person who introduced me to them the first and second time.  I would always get "Hi, I'm so and so, it's nice to meet you" or "I don't believe we've met before". Old people, young people, my age people, everyone. I became used to it, so I would just play along like it was the first time for me too. I assumed I just didn't have a memorable face and accepted it. 
But my favorite were the people who would act like I was completely invisible - that was just as common in my life as the people who wouldn't remember me.  My friend's friends would just act like my friend was the only person there, like I literally was not a human or even an object.  I would get no eye contact, no acknowledgment, nothing.

Until about a year ago. Suddenly people here and there would start to remember me and actually see me. I don't know what shifted, but it was evident. More and more, it would happen; and now, people rarely introduce themselves twice or decide that I don't exist. I feel it has something to do with finally allowing myself to be myself. Since we got married, I've become more and more who I was designed to be. I definitely feel like I still have a long way to go, but it is a noticeable difference to me that I feel more free and less shy. I mean, people nowadays actually call me out that they know me from somewhere or they call me by name when I've only told them once.  People yell my name to say hey from across a room. It's seriously bizarre to me! I honestly don't know how to handle it.  For so long I've learned a certain way, and now I'm having to change.  It's really nice to be acknowledged. It makes me feel like I matter.

I thanked my barista today at Brown Roof for calling me out by name to ask me if the music was too loud.  I told him it meant a lot to me.  He looked at me funny, but I'm sure it meant a lot to him.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

g u t s

2015 has been one of the worst years of my life, but I have a big smile on my face.  I don't want to harp on what has made this year terrible. Life is so fun right now, no matter the misfortune we've had.  I turned twenty-five about a month ago and twenty-five has been good to me.  It's so much fun to be married and own a house and have a dog.  Hanging out with Christopher everyday is the best.  This time in our life is so valuable to me.  IT'S SO FUN!! I'm having a hard time putting it any other way.  

I've come more alive since I turned 25.  Mostly due to my adrenals being replenished for the first time since I was probably twelve years old.  I got checked by an Applied Kinesiologist in Chris's class which led to discovering that my adrenals had been depleted for a super long time.  He recommended I take desiccated bovine adrenals and I'm so thankful! I only took about a month's supply in August/September and it has changed my life. I finally have energy.  I finally can wake up totally refreshed at 5:00am instead of groggy at 9:00am.  I get off work and have the energy to walk the dog or cook or clean. It's amazing!  I also got tested with the raw milk I used to drink religiously.  Turned out it was weakening me because of the lactose.  So I started fermenting it and making kefir.  Now THAT has changed my life. I feel a million times better since I started drinking it.  And it really fills me up; I don't get as hungry as often.  I feel like it's exactly what my body has been needing for years - that it has all the nutrients my body was lacking. It's super-strength for your gut which I'm learning is extremely important.  I think my gut has been unhealthy for a while and I want to heal it.

I've been learning about gut health here and there for the past three years.  Slowly I gather more and more information about it. I've learned that you won't implement anything truly until the perfect piece of information crosses your path at the perfect time. Did you know that your gut health directly related to your brain health?  Your gut is known as the "second brain"! That's how important it is!  And Americans destroy their guts; they overload on sugar and wheat and dairy.  They don't incorporate fermentation regularly.  It's awful how far we've come away from traditional diets that are proven to be so much better for us.  We're the sickest nation in the world, but we won't change our diets.  Anyway, gut health is amazing and I'm an advocate!

So through one awful year, I am trying to find the good in it despite the bad. The Lord is lovely the way he encourages and allows us to do that. I'm starting to focus on my well-being more.  I'm going to start meditating, doing yoga again, reading in the Bible more, eating well, and exercising. It's hard to blog in the hard times.  I want to get better at it, but I'm not there yet.