B. D A V I S

I attempted to journal tonight. It was the first entry since the day Brandon died (and on that day the only thing I wrote was that maybe I'd have words tomorrow). I try to journal my prayers every single day, but the past week has been speechless. I still feel speechless, but I wanted to journal sooner rather than later.

Before going to Laurel to mourn the loss of our close friend, my solemnity was sporadic in nature. Yes, there was an overarching sadness. But his death felt so unreal that I couldn't rightly accept it. Yesterday and today, since having been to Mississippi, I feel a film of depression over me. It is sadness that is deep and constant. There are no genuine smiles yet.

Being in Laurel was surreal. We drove to Atlanta Sunday morning and picked up Jay and Laura from the airport. We had a wonderful drive down. We had ups and downs, laughs and close cries. We reminisced and praised. When we got into Laurel, we went straight to Jay's sister's house for dinner. It was a perfect Mississippi meal - fried chicken, deer sausage, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans with bacon. It was home; it didn't matter that I had never met his family before.

Following the quick comfort of home, we drove to Mrs. Sonya's house where all Brandon's close friends had been hanging out since it happened. Brooke and Kingston are staying there right now. Mrs. Sonya is Brandon's mom. It was a sad sad evening. I'm amazed at Brooke's strength to talk about Brandon so gracefully and lovingly. She speaks as if she has a hundred years of wisdom under her. She praises him and laughs at him. She is grateful for the time she had with him. I can't fathom being in her shoes and speaking as she speaks. It's beautiful. It's Jesus.

The service was Monday morning. We held it together decently well until the very last song that was sung, "I Exalt Thee" by Jesus Culture. Brandon introduced us to that song about 8-9 years ago. He played it over and over and over. I feel comfortable saying it was his favorite. It was played in the car, on the stage, daily and weekly. Chris and I started to sob as it was sung, trying to sing out the words through our own tears.

The burial followed. We drove to the gorgeous cemetery and had an intimate service among friends. It was beautiful and perfect. Although, I still didn't have closure.

We went home after that and changed clothes. We sat in the living room for a long time bonding as close friends - Patrick, Lauren, Jay, Laura, Dylan, Chris and myself. It was a beautiful time as most times are with our "framily" (as Laura likes to call us).

They were having a celebration of Brandon's life in downtown that night, so we drove over. It was surreal being back in downtown Laurel. We spent so many nights and days there during college. So many memories. It was nice to be back. There were people everywhere; and soon enough, Dawn, Michael, and Erin got on stage and sang "I'll Fly Away" while a slideshow of photos and videos of Brandon played on the screen behind them. I think that was the most closure I got from the two days. It was just the Mississippi farewell that was needed. I treasure that moment.

This post is not as delicately and poetically written as I would have liked it to be, but I'm not going to edit it or "fix" anything. It is what it is. Which is what I've felt about Brandon's death. I'll leave you with some photos and the song.


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