I've been thinking on this post for a while and still have no words to do it justice; but I've wanted to write it because this blog is my little space in the world that I like to nurture, and I believe being open allows for healthy grief to have its place. Just a warning, this may be too much information for some people.
Three weeks ago Saturday we went for a short hike by our house. After the hike I notice I was spotting; my heart sank. I was seven weeks pregnant. We did some research and found out that it could be normal if it stayed brown, so I kept a close eye on it. After about a week, it got worse and turned red. It was my worst nightmare.
I attempted to prepare myself for losing a child; the grief became so heavy - but it's a different kind of grief than anything I've ever known. It's not that I felt responsible because I didn't, it's the sole fact of how truly sad it is that the child lost its life. I did all I could to prepare for this child. Since May of 2014 I ate a strict tradition tribal diet with all soaked grains and nuts, fermented foods, raw dairy, full fat foods. I exercised almost religiously. I prayed and prepared my heart and mind. These things are all great and I'm so thankful I have them under my belt; but this miscarriage, I feel, was inevitable. I was told by many people that the first time many women get pregnant, there's a chromosomal abnormality that happens in the child. The body sees that it would be too severe to go through with having the baby so it gets rid of it. Although I don't know for sure, I am assuming this is the case with ours. Our midwife told us that miscarriages have always been very common, but it hasn't been proven until recently because we are able to find out we're pregnant so early with tests. Women used to just think they had skipped a period then had a heavy one the next month. (Although I would think something was seriously wrong if I had a period that acted like that miscarriage.)
We decided we wanted to do everything naturally, so inevitably, that means a natural miscarriage. There's no way to be prepared for this, but I tried to at least prepare my mind for what would happen. So last Wednesday, I was at work and I started to get very bad cramps, which I know now to be contractions. I tried to hold out and stay at work, but the pain was too severe and I was afraid that if I waited then I wouldn't be able to drive home. So I left (on my forty minute drive, mind you). I believe the Lord drove me home because there is no way I could have made it alone. The whole way, my legs were locked up, my arms were going numb, and I was lightheaded. I got home, almost fell to the ground when I stood, ran in, and had the miscarriage immediately. I was so thankful I was home and not at work. Although the miscarriage came easy, the contractions lasted about ten hours. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced; I became highly aware that the feeling I was feeling was the curse of mankind. Chris came home immediately and was an angel through the whole thing. He has done so much for me this past week, I feel like I could never thank him enough. He is so strong. The contractions lasted until about 2am then I finally got some rest. I only work part time now, so every minute is crucial to be at work for me. I got up the next morning and decided I could do it - slowly, but I could. So I went to my hair appointment then to work. I had cramping for two days after the contractions stopped. The past three days, I have had an immense amount of soreness in my organs. I'm trying to rest as much as I can.
The worst (and best I suppose) part of it all was seeing the child. I'm glad I did because I believe it brings proper grief, but it does ensure a flood of emotion that comes and goes without warning. I have the least to say about this part of the process; I guess I'm still speechless from it. We wanted to honor it, so we thought long and hard about how we wanted to do that. This past Sunday, we took it out to some woods near our house and we buried it by the river. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was a sweet moment too.
When we were walking away, Chris and I hugged, and my mind became flooded with all the memories we have shared over the past seven years or so. I was brought back to high school and how attractive I thought he was, I went back to when we became best friends, then dating, then marriage, and now this. I'm so thankful for all we have been through together and all that is in our future. Marriage is such a beautiful and wonderful gift from God.
Like I said, I believe this post is important for me if not for anyone else. I know it's personal and somewhat detailed, but I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad this process is coming to a close physically. The Lord is so good. He is my husband, my best friend, lovely. I'm so thankful our child is with him instead of us.
Today is Alexander's birthday :)