Thursday, February 2, 2012

Nonsense

It's truly amazing to be engaged.  With it comes promise, confidence, peace, courage, leadership, and a love that we couldn't experience while dating.  We're really quite excited about being married and having life together as one; the problem is, we're not there yet.  We aren't rushing our engagement or living in the future, or anything of the sort.  We love love love being engaged and are soaking it up every day. :)  It is tough though.

I've had a weird week.  Since last Saturday, I've wanted to be silent and alone.  I haven't spoken many words for reasons unknown to me.  I just haven't wanted to.  I felt as though the Lord and I were just resting together.  I really have no explanation for it.  But it was good. :) 

Today, however, has not been so pleasant and restful.  I will spare you the many minute details, but let's just say that overall, I thought I would be excited to plan my wedding.  The months leading up to it, I just couldn't wait to be engaged and start planning and making all sorts of cute things.  I got the big stuff done early on in our engagement: dress, photographer, venue, reception location, rings, marriage license, etc.  I still have to rent tables, chairs, tents, and the like, but most of the large things are out of the way (praise the Lord).  Since I've been back in school, I couldn't be less motivated.  It hasn't bothered me that I haven't been motivated, but this week a couple people started to ask about what all I had gotten done since they last saw me.  When my response was "nothing", they seemed a little worried.  I haven't been stressed about this wedding at all; honestly, I'm just ready for it to be over so we can be together.  But something triggered when I was asked about my wedding progression.  It definitely didn't cause motivation, like I'd hoped it would.  It made me realize that I haven't been motivated because it's no fun to do it alone.  I've just felt very stressed about so many things since then; and most of all, I've been very discouraged in the whole affair.

Let me be honest.  At this point, I just wish we could have a tiny wedding.  I'm so excited for everyone to come and want so many people to be there, but it's rough trying to accommodate 150 people.  It's been so stressful to think about all the center pieces for tables and what food we're going to serve.  I almost wish receptions didn't exist :) so we could just get married and be done with it.  I'm sure this is sounding to you outsiders like a pessimistic view, but it's really just honesty coming out.  I feel like I have to measure up to all these grand weddings because people may not be satisfied if I don't.  You hear all the time, "It's whatever you want.  It's all about you".  But I've been to so many weddings where the guests are just criticizing the smallest details and saying how they would have done it differently behind the bride's back.  It's a lot of pressure.  It shouldn't matter how someone else would have done it.  They'll have their turn, you know?

It's all just crazy right now.  I hope this post didn't discourage anyone else.  Please keep in mind that I've just had a rough day.  But on the bright side - I have the most amazing man in the entire world.  He is the love of my life.



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