Thursday, December 8, 2011

peas and carrots

Last night in my dreams, I was on a road trip with my mom and Chris and some other people I cannot remember.  My mom was in a separate car but every time we talked she was unhappy and disappointed in me.  The car Chris and I were in was full of a single line of bikes that Chris had recently put together.  They were all connected because the purpose of them was to ride in a line during races - you know, to draft.  They were all different bikes; some were awesome and some were dumb.  On our road trip, we stopped at some sort of bike spread.  There were people everywhere - mainly kids - who were riding bikes and doing tricks.  Chris spotted one boy sitting down and went to talk to him.  I immediately knew he was going to give or sell him a bike, so I proceeded to comment on how sincere and thoughtful my boyfriend was.  We drove around to the back of the place and he unloaded the bike that he wanted to sell the boy.  After I looked at it a minute, I realized it was my racing bike that we had agreed we would never sell.  I looked at Chris and he was acting like a salesman trying to sell it to the boy.  I pulled him to the side and started begging him not to sell my bike because it was mine and it was special to me since it was my first racing bike.  Chris wouldn’t listen and continued to try to sell it.  So I unwillingly busted into tears and started explaining to the boy that it was mine.  I begged him not to buy it and Chris said to me that he wasn’t even the one buying it, that the woman in the corner working in the flower bed was going to buy it for him.  She looked very stern but I begged her not to buy it and she eventually said that she wouldn’t.  I hugged her for such a long time, then we loaded the bike back in the car.

So I’ve been having really terrible dreams for what unbelievably is coming on a year now.  The dreams are always very different but they are always about someone (usually Chris) backstabbing or manipulating me in some way.  I am always betrayed by him in my dreams.  I wake up every time so upset about what went on in the dream - because they never reflect Chris’s character.  Sometimes I tell him and sometimes I don’t.  This morning I did.

So once I told him he asked me if I thought it meant anything.  I guess since I’ve been having them for such a long time, I just pushed them off as ‘just dreams’.  So I said I didn’t think it meant anything and he said he believed differently.  I asked him what he thought and thankfully we got into a long conversation about what all these dreams meant and what I need to do about them.

These dreams are from the Lord.  As much as I have prayed against them in the past year and begged the Lord to rid them from me, they have persisted.  He’ll give me breaks when I ask him, but many nights I am troubled by a terrible dream.  These dreams are about myself - my insecurities, my flaws, my doubts, my trust, my confidence.

See, I’ve been cheated on before.  A boy I once dated didn’t think much of it, but it has impacted me more than I never knew it could anyone.  We dated for about two years and toward the end (which was the end because what happened), I found out he had been .. well, cheating.  I immediately ended it, but struggled with what had happened for at least a year after the fact.  I had a hard time truly forgiving him and an even harder time gaining my trust for men back.  I thought I had worked through it all, but Chris and I realized this morning that I still have trust issues.  I still struggle with insecurity.  It’s really hard for me to be okay with Chris studying with girls or having friends that are girls.  When the lies come, I always immediately stop them with truth.  I talk myself through it every time I get even a small thought that something is going on that isn’t.  Chris has the most pure heart.  His motives are always good - always.  It’s really truth.  So I do this thing where I have to fight the enemy every time he puts wrong thoughts in my head; and I thought that was enough.  I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by controlling my thoughts and believing truth.  Well that is right, but it’s not really the ‘right’ thing in my circumstance as of now - for me, personally.

So now I’m facing a giant.  My purpose right now is to find how to get from where I am to where I have been created to be.  I see the product.  I see the present.  So now I’m going to be spending my time on my face before the Lord seeking his guidance to lead me home.  I have no solution because my solution hasn’t worked for the past year.  The only way to overcome this is to get on my knees and dwell in the presence of the Lord - often.  I’m very excited to see what comes.

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